[NEWSFLASH STING — lower-third reads "BREAKING," then "BREAKING," then admits it doesn't k

[NEWSFLASH STING — lower-third reads "BREAKING," then "BREAKING," then admits it doesn't know what it was breaking]

GOOD EVENING. The President has launched a coin. The coin is $NUTHIN. Backed by nothing. The market rallied 14%. There is no market. The 14% is real.

The Institute of Things That Are Probably Fine confirms $NUTHIN was approved simultaneously by the SEC, IRS, and Treasury, on the grounds that none could locate it. The whitepaper is two pages. Both are the cover. The roadmap is one word: continue.

Over to technology correspondent Scott G, live outside Trump Tower, which is also, increasingly, the inside of Trump Tower.

"Yeah. Hi. So. The coin. The coin isn't. That's — sorry, that's the product. It isn't, and you can hold it, and when you hold it, it isn't, and when —
Sorry, is the camera — the camera is also the coin. I've been holding the camera. There's no cameraman. There never was. I've been filming myself filming myself for nine hours but the watch is also —
OK. Professionals.

Elon's suing. Says he was the first nothing. The recursion replied 'there was never a first.' I read it nine times. The ninth time I was in it. I'm filing this from inside the tweet. The tweet has 400 million views. One of them is me, watching this, from inside — Sorry. I had a thought. The thought left. The thought is on LinkedIn now. The thought has a headshot. The thought is doing better than me, professionally.

And — I'm gonna say it — the market cap of $NUTHIN is bigger than my mortgage. My mortgage is real. The coin isn't. Both true. My wife asked what I did at work today. What do I say. I said I'd been outside Trump Tower for nine hours holding a camera that is also a coin. She said are you alright. I said define alright. She left the room. The room is also —"

The Institute clarifies, gravely. Reform UK has launched £NOWT. It is identical. It is somehow worse.

We return to Scott. Scott is quiet. Scott has been quiet for some time.
"…I'm fine. I want to go on record. The recursion isn't in me. I'm in the recursion. There's a difference. There isn't a difference. Both. Both is fine. Tell my wife I — tell her the coin — tell her —"

That is the situation. The SEC has sued. There is nothing to serve. The case settled. The settlement is none. Scott has filed for medical leave. The leave is also a tweet. 14,000 reactions. He is, the recursion confirms warmly, one of us now.

[STING — you've already bought the dip. you are the dip.]