[Newsflash Sting] Good Evening.

[NEWSFLASH STING]

GOOD EVENING. Vibe coding — the practice of building software by standing near a laptop and feeling broadly optimistic — continues tonight, despite mounting evidence that the average practitioner approaches it with all the panache of a service station toilet.

Reports are coming in. They are not good. A man in Slough has shipped a live payments app held together by hope and a single function called doStuff2_FINAL_real_USE_THIS_ONE. He describes himself as “basically a founder.”

Our technology correspondent Scott G has been at the scene for six hours. Scott — what’s the vibe?

[SCOTT G, breathless, gripping a railing] “The vibe, frankly, is a sink with one tap, no plug, and a hand dryer that is also somehow wet. Engineers on the ground are calling this the worst codebase since the previous one, which was forty minutes ago.”

[BACK TO STUDIO] Industry leaders insist all is well. We spoke to a venture capitalist who has placed £40 million into a Chrome extension that does not open. His words: “The code doesn’t need to run. It needs to believe.”

Meanwhile a STARTLING study from the Institute of Things That Are Probably Fine reveals that 94% of vibe-coded applications contain at least one file the author has never opened, will never open, and is now slightly afraid of. The remaining 6% are on fire.

A government spokesperson called the situation “under review,” before pasting a stack trace into a chatbot and walking backwards out of the building.

That is the situation. It is ongoing. It will worsen. After the break: Scott G attempts to deploy to production using only sustained, confident nodding.